A Bitch in Time Offers Salty Cross-Stitch Patterns

If you’re the sort of person to be turned off or offended by a cross-stitch book called A Bitch in Time, you should probably move on from this review right now.

It’s a book full of 30 snarky cross-stitch patterns (or as the subtitle puts it, sarcastic stitches for you to stab) by crafty sister-brother duo Tara K. Reed and Roy W.P. Reed.

The sayings are twisted, sometimes off-color statements, puns and plays on more familiar sentiments. You can stitch a neon sign to remind everyone of your passive aggressive personality, or a star-studded piece complete with stitched tiara that says “swearing is part of my charm.”

There are a few statements in this book I can’t reprint on a family website, but others are just funny (like “just fries no guys,” “he’s just one guy in the grand scheme of flings,” “I’m not off-kilter, I have no kilter” or “sarcasm is a condiment put it on everything” stitched in the colors of ketchup, mustard and pickle relish).

A gallery of the designs includes skill level, size of the design and the frame size used in the sample. Color charts and a list of floss colors are found at the back of the book. Tips on stitching, reading charts and materials are also found at the back of the book, which will be helpful for new stitchers or those who need a refresher.

If you’re a cross-stitcher with a snarky side and you don’t mind the occasional swear word or sex joke, this collection will provide a lot of laughs and some fun stitching for all your friends with dirty minds and sarcastic hearts.

About the book: 100 pages, paperback, 30 patterns. Retails for $29.99. Published by the Reed Studio. Buy online.

Looking for more Snarky or Subversive Cross stitch charts and designs? Check these out on Etsy.

I was recently doing a scroll through some crafting websites that I follow and I came across this amazing collection of cross stitch job patterns from Koekoek. It includes more than 100 different jobs, sports and hobbies, and these would be so much fun to personalize and stitch up for friends, family and co-workers.

You’ll find everything from occupations like doctor, fireman, maternity nurse, tax lawyer and librarian to sports like swimming, fishing and beach volleyball.

There’s pattern for watching marathon amounts of Netflix, doing triathlons (basically the same thing, right?), teaching geography, graphic design and catching Pokemon. Among many others.

The designs are categorized by medical professions, office jobs, stitch a sport (which includes other hobbies) and education professions, or you can just scroll through all the patterns to see the variety. Check out all the designs on their website, or scroll down on this page to see them in categories and with more details.

They suggest working these with a five inch hoop using 14 count cross stitch fabric or 28 count evenweave stitched over two threads for a fancier look. The number of colors needed for each design varies, but they are pretty small projects so there’s generally not a ton of detail.

The patterns also include text for what the image is showing like “the knitter” or “the veterinarian,” but they also have a post about how to personalize the designs with different text such as the person’s name, a date or a quote. There’s also a full bask stitch alphabet included in the post so you can chart out your own text.

And while the designs show specific people, you can change up details like hair color, clothing color and eye color if you want to make it look more like the person you intend to give it to. You can also purchase custom cross stitch kits from them to make the project exactly the way you want it without having to do the work yourself.

I think this is such a fun idea for a graduation gift or a holiday gift. If you check it out I’d love to know which characters you are stitching!

[Photo: Koekoek]

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